Tuesday, March 4, 2008

What are you HUNGRY for?

This question was posed to me today and despite the fact that I’m pregnant and I deal with this question every day, it was posed in the direction of life itself. Take it any way you like – personal, mental, emotional, spiritual…it really doesn’t matter. It all ends up the same place when we’re talking about our lives, well depending on what you build your life around. So, for me, I can take it two routes: 1) What am I hungry for in the literal sense, and 2) What am I hungry for in the spiritual/life directional sense (this is also literal, but you know what I mean…it’s more related to forethought rather than immediate gratification).

The most frustrating thing is that no matter which of the two ways I choose to take this question, it is still very difficult for me to answer definitively. I am one of the most indecisive people about what I want to eat. Unless, of course, you happen to catch me in a moment of ultimate decisiveness...and then it's usually followed by, "but I really don't care." But do I really care and just choose not to say so or do I really not care? I think most of the time it's the latter, mostly because I can find somethign to eat no matter where we end up going and I'm pretty much fine with it. What I will do, and what I think is quite helpful, is if I really DON'T feel like something, I'll at least say that. And I think that's really the best I can do in this area! :)

Now if I take it the other way, being not so literal, but more philosophical, I end up going round and round in circles, wondering what in the world I'm "hungry" for. What I'm desparate for, what I ache to have, or be a part of, or see, or do, or accomplish. I jsut end up with a big fat question mark in my head. So what do I do with that. Thus far, I've really struggled with it -what does it mean that I don't have an inkling or thought about what I hunger for in my own life (besides the obvious things of every day: love, relationship, community, Jesus, knowing him, making him known, you know what I mean).

A lot of it has to do with our move to Nashville. Though it has been so apparent in so many aspects of our lives that this was the right move to make, and to see God honoring our steps of faith in incredible ways, we both still have this desire to know why we are here. Yes, God called us to move, but why? What is our purpose to be here in Nashville? It doesn't make sense in some areas - take for example the fact we've moved away from our families and then found out we were pregnant. So now we're 7 hours away from family and don't have a friend base to lean on in a time in life when neither of us have a clue about what to do next as far as this game of parenting a child is concerned at least. Not that I doubt we were to be here becuase of that, but it's one of the few things that really doesn't make sense about our move. I know know know that it will all be clear soon enough, and I will look back on this period of my life and say, "OH, so that's what we were doing that for!" As if entering a light bulb moment. But in the meantime, it still begs the answer to the question, "Why are we here?" and "What am I hungry for?"

Maybe the answer to the question isn't supposed to be answered quite yet. Our timing is often so immediate and God's is so eternal. As with everything, I am confident his purpose for me will unfold - in only a matter of time. Until then, I will keep asking the question, seeking the answer, and anxiously awaiting to see what it is I discover along the way.

As for right now, I'm hungry for ice cream. Then again, what's so new about that? Go ahead, have a bowl, and listen while you eat...you might be hungier for more than you think.

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