Friday, October 30, 2009

...or something like that. I know the song says 3 a.m., and well, it is on the East Coast, so whatever. Somehow, after an insanely busy and full week of headaches, ear infections, lack of sleep, and crazy circumstances, I am exhausted yet cannot sleep. If this happens, I usually have a list going on in my head that needs to be written down or turned over to Him for dealing with and safe keeping; however, this has been done an still sleep eludes me. So here I sit. Knowing full well I will have difficulty functioning tomorrow, yet unable to do anything about it. (Sigh)

Instead of wallowing in my lack of sleep, I thought I might write down some of the things looming over me, some quite personal, others really "surfacey" but regardless the things that are being tossed around at any given moment in this wacky head of mine.

1. My job.
I wonder daily what's going to happen with this. What does this scenario look like? How does it impact me, Nathan, and my growing family? Will I be able to provide for my kids? These things scare me. And while I KNOW God's plan is already laid out and quite perfect for me, I often have a hard time connecting the know to what I BELIEVE. Which is, of course, that He will indeed provide in one way or another - be it a new job, or a better job, or no job and a better one for Nathan. These are times when I have to rely on my past experience and allow Him to show me all the ways He's never let me down before and carried me through when I didn't think there was a way. I can list thousands of times, so why is this one hard? I guess because it's still looming like gloom and doom over my head. I worry about too much and let go of too little. But I am working on it. Daily.

2. My little BT2.
While I realize the time I had on my hands was so very different when I was pregnant with Aiden, I feel badly about the time I'm already not spending with this little one inside me now. I recall feeling Aiden move at 15 weeks quite vividly, and I did feel BT2 at 16 weeks, but haven't been diligent about spending more time doing that lately. I can't feel badly about this, I realize, but I often do, despite the fact I can't control how much or how little this little one moves. I know good and well that come ten weeks from now I'll be up to my ears with kicks and hiccups. Just the now is hard sometimes....worrying if everything is okay in there. Trusting it is, but still worrying it might not be. I worry about how I will handle two under two and how it will impact my relationships - with Aiden, with Nathan, with friends. And honestly, sometimes the fear of what is to come overwhelms me and makes me feel as though I will only fail. I fear I reallly don't have what it takes to do this. Yes, THOUSANDS of other parents have done just what I'm doing - some really terribly, others quite amazingly. Why I can't trust I can do it too at any given point in my day is beyond me, but I just do. Only a few more days until we find out what this little gummy bear is going to be and how whatever it is will change our lives forever. What I have to keep reminding myself is something I read this week that impacted my thought process and stopped me in my tracks of self-pity. THIS IS ONLY A MOMENT, IT IS NOT MY LIFE. Yes, for thousands of moments I will very will be at my Whit's End, but those moments will only be fleeting in comparison to the millions of others that will be filled with joy, laughter, love, community, bonding, and so many other positive pieces that make up LIFE. So, letting this moment pass...

3. My body.
And the fear of never getting it back again. There. I said it. And I'll leave it at that. I think there's enough to be read into this that doesn't need to be stated and that little bit says it all.

4. Organizing my/our life.
Yes, I'm a perfectionist. Yes, I am a semi-neat freak. Yes, I have some OCD behaviors when it comes to organization. I am admitting all this because sometimes the fact that I have to let go of this part of my life is terrifying and horribly difficult. I think how hard it is with one child to keep the house and closets in order, and fear my house will be a war zone with two. This fear, I have to let go. It very well may be a war zone, but I'll be darned if it isn't one bound up in love. Here's hoping I can let this part go sometimes. Not all the time, but when I need to. How are we all going to make it (sanely) inside the house? Will we get our space finished out before the baby comes? I pray the finances allow for this as it will provide the space to "get away" within the same place while also providing a play space and classified war zone if needed. Praying hard for this.

I really like even numbers. I was going to do five things, but I like four. So I'm stopping at four even though there are at least ten I could list. I think I've captured enough, probably far too much for some. There are hundreds of tiny things like ...When will we have time to decorate for Christmas? When will I do my Christmas shopping? What do I even get for everyone? How can I do more to give to others during my week? How's Aiden going to adjust to life with another person in his world? Will I get a four poster bed at some point in my life? Will my knee ever feel good enough to let me run more than five miles again?

These are the things (I guess) that you could say keep me up at night. While they truly don't and I let them go, they do often pop up at random times and if I were a panic-attack driven person, I might just be insane by now. So thank the Lord for that. Now, I thank Him for taking these things (each and every one despite how big and significant or small and meaningless) from me and running them for me. Goodness knows I can't do it. I just have to believe that, right? :)

So here's hoping I'm off on my way to dream land...missing my best friend, anticipating his arrival in a few days, and dreaming I was in this place...right now.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

October started off feeling as though it wouldn't be full of much, and while it has been relatively low key, we have somehow managed to weave our way within 8 days of it's end and I realize how quickly it's gone. Football games, Fall Break (for Aiden AND for us!), and field trips to the farm and here we are...only a week away from Halloween. Although, by the time I finish this and get it posted, it'll probably be closer to Halloween than I think.

We headed to Knoxville for the UT vs. Auburn game a few weeks ago, which was so fun! Wish we could get to more games as they really are a great time and bring back (and create) all kinds of fun memories. You can read about our trip here.

The following week, my parents had fall break from school, and had offered to keep Aiden so we could get some much needed rest. We've battled our share of sickness this month and needed some rest for sure! Plus, mommy-to-be here doesn't get much as it is with the night wakings and potty breaks. Fun! He had so much can see pictures here. He just loves to play and keeps them on their toes for sure! They spend the following few days recovering from the whirlwind that is Aiden, but oh what a fun one he is. Nathan and I had a great time eating out, keeping our own schedule, sleeping in, and doing lots of things we've had on our "todo" list that keep getting pushed to the following week in hopes they'll one day get done. So we at least got a dent started in that list! :) We picked up the boy on Sunday and had a great rest of the week with him, though he got sick, yes, again, the next week. Boo. More long nights and even longer days!

Luckily, due to all the rain we've had this month, his field trip to the farm across the street got rescheduled to a day when he could go (the other one was scheduled when he was on fall break). So, Wednesday afternoon we packed up and went to the farm and played with the hay, goats, chickens, ducks, and took a fun hayride through the farm and cows, who loved playing with the pumpkins. Check this place out! I have yet to carve ours and they sit staring at me as though I can do something about it! Oh well. Aiden loved the farm and showed his true "boy" nature by eating some dirt and a few dried corn kernels. The boy makes me laugh. Some of his little classmates were there and he loves people, so he had fun just people watching. What's funny to me is how different this trip was compared to our last trip there. Night and day. Of course, he was three months old. It was so neat to see his progression as he explored the farm. And how lucky we are to have such a fun treat right across the street from our neighborhood. Oh the joys of living in the country (kind of).

Overall, a fun month, and Halloween is right around the corner with lots of fun parties and activities to boot. Should be a scary good time! And November will be here Sunday! YIKES!
Nathan after a night of no sleep...needed whipped cream to make the coffee go down and to calm his wild mane.
The boy loves to clean, what can I say?
This picture just made me laugh. He literally wanted the whole thing in his mouth at one time.

Posing for the camera...or for Dad.

Petting the goats. Trying to get a rare picture with Mom.

Graham, a little boy from his class, eating an old dried up corn on the cob. Did not want to be carried, wanted to walk, but the mud was insane.

Playing in the tractor Walking home with Dad. Great day!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Why is it when Mom is sick the world doesn't stop to help her, yet she must sojourn on and continue to help others? THIS is the part of the job description that no one really ever truly appreciates. I find myself in this odd place in life of dealing with sickness often now that I'm in Mommy-land after spending most of my adulthood hardly ever being least the times I was really, truly sick were very few and far between. And now, between school, and playgroups, and eating dirt, my little dude brings home all the bugs you can imagine. While my 30-year old immune system could handle it just fine, the 30-year old pregnant immune system doesn't have much defense against such predators as nursery school aged slobbery germs. How do you deny your sweet little boy the joy of giving Mommy kisses when you know good and well those kisses are going to get you ill? You don't. So you get sick. And you deal with it.

Luckily, I have this amazing partner named Nathan who is Superman in times of trouble and can somehow manage work, Aiden, and taking care of sick me when I'm at the worst of it and simply can't move. Somehow I think it's God's way of showing these men (just a few times a year) how much we mom's do and how much they should appreciate us for doing it 365 days a year. I had the cold bug once already, then had the flu shot, then Aiden and Nate got it, and then lucky me got it again...only it felt worse and came with some more surprises. I don't like surprises when I'm sick, at least in terms of more sickness....surprise me with saltine crackers when I don't ask, COOL! but surprise me with sudden and necessary prayers to the porcelain throne when I don't ask, NOT COOL!

As a child, we get so used to our mom's always being there to care for us when we're sick. Then we go off to college and realize she's not there anymore. We actually have to make ourselves soup if we want it, and have to make ourselves drink water and Sprite, and juice since we need it. Often we don't and we just push through...laying in bed. But it sure does make you realize what you had when you were a kid (and TOTALLY took for granted). And then you become a married adult, who has to take care of your spouse when they fall ill...and most of this makes you feel special and useful, but then you get sick and often, when the shoe is on the other foot, the same "care" you gave to them is just slightly less "caring" when they are the giver. Not by intention, in most cases at least, but mostly by design of our male and female nature. Again, you appreciate the incessant and diligent care your mother gave you all the more. And then, you have kids, and realize that when you get sick, it does not stop their need to be cared for, fed, loved on, played with, walked, talked to, bathed, put to bed, etc...and the list goes on...not to mention the house, which can become disasterous in such a short time without wonder woman to pick up the pieces. All of this, of course is an exaggeration, but simply meant to say that never in my life, did I think when I got to this point, I'd be the Mom...and here I am...doing it all and making it work. NOT without the help of my amazing Nathan of course, as I wouldn't be able to get up in the morning if it wasn't for him helping me as much as he is able....but it just makes you appreciate all you do for them every day to a whole new level.

So, even though my sweet boys were the ones who got me sick....again, I am so grateful for their help, their love, and their care for me even when they don't feel good. Now, if I can just convince Aiden that when we get sick, we rest all day and watch movies, and take naps, and relax to feel better. That silly child runs at 98% of his usual 110% even when he's sick. How in the world he does it, I will never really know, I just know it wears me out. But the joy that comes from knowing he's cared for and loved all the more for it makes it all worth it in the end. That, and one day, he'll be the one doing the caring! Ha! :)

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

This week was a complete whirlwind and I'll admit, a little sad after coming down from a two weekend birthday "high," but I'm dealing with it. Want to know how? By making it last. Of course. Friday night we had tickets to go see The Plain White T's and Snow Patrol with our neighbors, Sam and Karen - who is also expecting and due in just a few weeks! After some good Mexican, we headed to see the two alt rockers at the Ryman, which, if you haven't been, is not only historic, but a super venue to be at for just about any show. Good times with great friends. It was hard to get a ton of pics, but I snagged a couple:

Then, believe it or not, as soon as the show as over, we got back home, changed clothes and got in the car for a quick trip to Knoxville. My parents got some tickets to the Tennessee vs. Auburn game at Neyland Stadium Saturday night, so we opted to go under the cover of night to hopefully keep little dude safe and sound asleep...three hours with no tears vs. a potentially ear-drum damaging three hours seems like a no-brainer. Though we we wiped out and exhausted, it was fun driving at random hours of the night. I think we got in to town about 3:30 am CT (or 4:30 am ET - local - which meant Little Dude would be waking in about four hours...yikes!). Luckily we'd called in the troops to have Mimi and Pops watch out for him while we slept! We had a fun and relaxing day of naps, football, a solid lunch, and then headed off to the game. Oh, but I almost forgot, the FIRST thing Aiden did when he got back from breakfast with Mimi and Pops was pull out the BROOM. I mean, this kid is SOOOO our kid!! What? The broom. Cracked me up. But he was in heaven.

Nate and I headed off to the game and found a great (and free!) parking spot about 20 blocks from the stadium...and boy, did we get our HILL workout in on the way! Crazy, crazy Tennessee hills abound on this campus. We had great seats in the corner of the End Zone and were surrounded by some baffled Tennessee fans and some rowdy Auburn ones. It was great. After a few Coke Zeros (they had it on tap!!!), Peanuts, and Peanut M&M's, we were through the fourth quarter and winning against the Vols! All in all a great game. WAAAAAAR Eagle!

A picture before we left for the game, then at the game, then during the game...
I told Nathan he kind of looks "toasted" in this picture...which he flubbed on purpose. Silly.

So another late night, but another relaxing day ahead, which is always the great thing about Sundays. Mom made some scones for breakfast, then we grilled out for a late lunch before more naps and getting ready to head back. We opted to go for the "under cover of night" option again especially since it was raining. Ick. The whole day. But despite the rain, we had so much fun playing with our fun bundle of joy...who can do nothing but bring smiles to our faces. He was literally laughing at himself he was so thrilled with how happy he made us! Now, that is happiness. I love him tons and he makes my world complete.

This picture with the basket on his head...I have about 100 of me doing this very same thing when I was little. His little open mouth face cracks me up.

Here he was chasing Pops with his camera...he wanted to get his hands on that thing so bad!!

He's always eating, too...something he does so well!

He and I were playing "catch me" all over the house...he would run and I would chase him down and he was just LAUGHING! And totally unstoppable. So funny.

And my reward was ALWAYS big, slobbery kisses! Love those, too.

Playing "ride little horsy" with Mimi. With more laughs. Always laughing. Fun day. Fun trip. One for the books.