Wednesday, July 30, 2008

today aiden attended his first party. it was a momentous occasion celebrated with those near and dear to us...well, really just a few people. but the par-doo was hosted by uncle taylor (taylor brooks) and a few of his friends. but aiden got to see taylor's girlfriend rachel who came to visit at the hosptial (see picture below), and uncle nathan (nathan postlethwait) who he can't go more than a couple days without seeing. while all aiden did was sleep, he seemed to be the hit of the hot summer party, also known as the tiki summer showdown.  how can anyone resist a completely adorable and utterly silent sleeping baby? i don't know many.

  rachel and aiden
  how can anyone resist this?? 

to top off the big day, we ventured to our favorite dining hot spot, bricktops. while we had the worst service of all of our many visits to this venue, the food was nonetheless remarkable as always. AND, to top it off, since i was no longer pregnant, i could partake in the awesome seared ahi tuna burger we love! 

a fun night overall, and proof to nathan that we can, indeed, have a life and a child. that, in and of itself, is worth far more than any dinner out! :) 

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

i'll say that today marked the point in this process that i actually felt it. what "it" is i can't really say exactly, other than completely overwhelmed and out of nowhere feeling as though i really can't do this parenting thing. i know that isn't true (deep down), but the thought struck me today in a fashion i wasn't expecting. a part of me kind of melted down. it's scary, seeing this part of me that feels so out of control and helpless. not that i'm upset or sad or anything negative, i just all of a sudden felt as though i was losing myself. i mean, what is it that i do in a day? i couldn't even begin to tell you. and if i did know what it is that i do, it really all boils down to nothing except caring for aiden. and while i know this phase is temporary and fleeting (see previous blog), it hit me today like a ton of bricks...this feeling like i'm not really a person anymore. 

it's just a bit overwhelming for a type-A, perfectionist, control freak who is used to being able to manage just about everything (and everyone). reality is that those things are not reality anymore - not that they ever were, just that the amount of time in my life let me think it was. so i have to try and see beyond this phase and realize that 1) i am still me, 2) what i am doing is probably one of the most important jobs anyone could ever be tasked to do, 3) i have been given this incredible gift in a healthy, beautiful, and happy son, 4) there is more to life than feeling like i'm in control, and 5) this, too, shall pass.

i think (as silly as this may sound) that once i'm allowed to work out again (even walk for goodness sakes!) i'll feel a lot better. i'll have the opportunity to exercise my body and get both my body and mind out of the house and out of the circle of analyzing everything in my head that i often use to trap myself.  

while i knew it would be a lot to take in, a lot to do, and i'd be feeling a lot, there's no way to plan or prepare yourself for how it will manifest inside your head or your heart. i'm completely immersed today, so overwhelmed i can hardly think straight, but at the end of it, tomorrow is a new day, and what seems impossible, will become possible. what seems out of control, will once again seem to find balance. i anticipate that lightbulb moment when that clicks for me!

Monday, July 21, 2008

obviously we have a lot going on these days and it seems i don't have the time to write that i used to - not that i had a lot of time then. but now i really have no least what i consider time. what time i do have is now comprised of three hour increments, if not two hour increments, and comes and goes with lightning quickness. for aiden, it looks something like this: 

EAT - 30 minutes
BURP/RELAX - 30 minutes
SLEEP (maybe) - 1 - 2 hours
 - aiden doing what he does best before we headed off to the doctor.
pretty chill, right? 

for me, it looks more like this:
SIT AND FEED AIDEN - 30 minutes
SIT or STAND and BURP AIDEN (and be spit up on) - 30 minutes

before i know it, the hour (or two or three) is gone and i have no idea what took place.  all i know is that i'm starting the cycle all over again. 

they tell me this phase will pass.  they tell me to enjoy this phase. they tell me this is normal. what, about not being able to take a shower until 8 at night is normal, i ask? i do, however, realize that it is only a phase and am doing all i can to enjoy what precious time this is with aiden and nathan before he's two and running us both around nonstop like we all know they do. i'm sure that before we know it he'll be climbing on walls and writing on things, and messing with nathan's gadgets. then he'll be in kindergarten and before we know what happened, his voice will be deep and he'll be taller than us and then graduating and going off to college. those things i can hardly fathom right now. 

how easy his life is right now. how much i can do for him right now. i know that the chasm of those two things will only drift farther and farther apart with each passing day, month, year. though i will always want to do for him as i can now - provide for him in pretty much every way that he needs - i know the time for that is so finite, and that ultimately God is the only one who can provide for him as the days fly by. 

after today that's even more apparent. today was aiden's first visit to the doctor - his two week check up to see how much he weighs and check all his vitals and measurements to be sure all is well in newborn land. he came in at a whopping 5 pounds, 14 ounces...4 ounces less than he weighed at birth.  everything else was looking good, he's just a small little dude sitting in the 5th percentile of just about every category. bet no one could guess that from his parents! all systems are go and now we just watch him grow. i'm so amazed at this whole process...all that's involved and how little control we actually have. so off we go to the big new world of growing up.  we just don't want him growing too we can relish in the moments like this that we do have together. 

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

It is so hard to believe Aiden is already a week old. My how this week has flown by and my how much has happened in a matter of 7 days. A week ago, Aiden was still this unknown character in our lives, hanging out in my tummy waiting to make his grand entrance. Now, he's here, living in the world we have known for our 20+ years of life. His is just beginning. I wonder what all is going on inside his little head. He is so observant and always so alert. It amazes me how much he looks around and his curious face always makes me smile.  We're still trying to figure out who he looks like, and I guess only time will really be able to tell us that. 

In his first short week, he has been pushed into the world (literally!), met his parents, met his grandparents, been to our favorite Mexican restaurant, taken a trip the mall, gone on a few car rides, and seen  most of Nashville and Franklin by car.  How much more will he see and do over the next few weeks and months...and I'm sure before we know it we'll be measuring his accomplishments in years.

In his first short week, I have pushed Aiden into the world, undergone major surgery, seen my role venture from wife into wife and mother, learned how to feed a newborn, changed a ton of diapers, experienced a loss of sleep, and fallen in love all over again. How much more will I fall in love over the course of his life? How do I measure the greatness of this accomplishment? I can't. There are no words to describe it, no scales with which to measure it, and no way to express all that is involved in what we will embark on with Aiden's entry into life.  It's amazing and frightening all at once, but I can't wait to figure it all out, see it all come to life, and know the sheer joy and pain that comes with this journey. It should be interesting. 

Monday, July 14, 2008

I have had the luxury of having my parents here with me this week. They have been incredible at helping us out with meals, doing laundry, taking care of the baby, giving us advice, and so much more. It was so incredible having the people that brought ME into the world here to support me and Nathan as we brought another life into the world. Although a lot of their first few days were spent doing a whole lot of nothing at the hospital while I recovered, it was so comforting to have them here to visit and such a welcome help once I came home. Having my mom there to help with Aiden and also be a resource for all my questions, was invaluable. They also made dinner and helped with the chores since it was hard for me to get around the house. That being said, they made my life as easy as anyone could for the first few days of Aiden's life...and all the adjustments that come with a newborn...and it was terrible to think about them leaving. 

I didn't realize how traumatic it would be for me. I know there is this huge hormonal cocktail that stirs up inside after giving birth and getting rid of all the hormones that were in me to support BT, but who knew it would lead me to feel so despondent at their departure. It wasn't so much that I felt like they were abandoning me, or that I couldn't handle Aiden on my own (with Nathan's help of course!), but there was just this nagging fear of "what if..." Like, what if something happens that I can't handle? Or what if I go crazy because he won't stop crying? Or what do I do for dinner for the next month seeing as how I can barely walk, and spend all my time watching out for this new little life so much that cooking is the last thing on my mind? I mean, there are a million scenarios that ran through my head, I won't list them all, but it was just a bit overwhelming to think about.

So I had to say goodbye today. Goodbye. It really is a very sad word. It feels so final and so permanent. I much prefer things that don't seem so definite in their departure... I wish there were something else to say that said it all without having to say goodbye at all. But there just isn't another word that will do. All those silly catch phrases just don't mean the same and they often end with a cheesy note rather than the heartfelt sincerity that is said with a deep and true goodbye. 
And while I know good and well they'll be less than 3 short hours away from us so very soon, it was still so hard to say. So now I'm on my own (well, the three of us at least) and the adventure is really about to begin now that they're gone. Should get interesting! :) 

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

I guess no one can ever really prepare you for the moments leading up to and following giving birth to your child. I thought I was prepared, I thought I knew what to expect, I thought I would know how I'd feel....I was so wrong. And not in a bad way, but in the best way imaginable. Today is the day that will change the rest of my life. 

After writing yesterday about the impending birth of our son, further known as Aiden Andrew Tabler, I really had no idea what the next 24 hours would hold, and though they flew by in what seemed like seconds, it was quite a process...and one I hope to never forget. He arrived in all of his glory less than 10 hours after I was induced on Monday evening, making his entrance at 8:42 am today. As he came through the birth canal, I saw his head followed by one more push to see the rest of his slimy covered body - all 6 lbs., 2 oz. of it.  There are simply no words to describe the rush of emotions that pumped through my body in those few seconds. With Nathan at my hands, and this new little life laying on my chest, I could do nothing but weep...with joy of course...for the life that God had delivered (literally!) to us. What in the world would we do next?!?!

It is safe to say those moments seem to go in slow motion...from the time I could see his little head until the time he was hanging out with us in our room, it was all just this slow creeping clock of time. My life had just begun a completely new chapter and my pace of life, while seemingly slow at this moment, will forever be changed to a new and insanely fastidious pace with Aiden. His little legs, arms, fingers, toes, eyes, ears, everything was knit together perfectly inside my tummy for the past nine months and was now laying beside me. Putting that concept into reality is nothing short of impossible, yet totally surreal. 

We will leave the hospital in a few short days. Being surrounded by caring nurses, Nathan, my parents, and friends has been incredible. What a memory to share with them. One I will not soon forget. My life is forever changed by this little man who doesn't do anything but eat, sleep, and poop, but today I don't care what he does or doesn't do. I am amazed, shocked actually, at the process and the product of God in all of this. How can anyone NOT believe in God when they witness what I just went through in the past 24 hours? How can anyone not love this person that has been perfectly knit together from parts of you and parts of the person you've chosen to spend the rest of your life with? I'm not sure how they do it. But I know that I am in love. More so with God than ever before. More so with Nathan than I ever thought possible. And more so with little Aiden (BT) than I could have ever imagined I would. He is perfect and I am so so so thankful God chose us to loan him to for the next however many years he is with us. Nathan and I have promised to do our very best to raise him with all the knowledge and love we have available to us through God's love.  

Monday, July 7, 2008 we go. Today is the last day of knowing myself as a married girl with no kids. Today is the last day it will just be Nathan and I. Today is the last day of looking at my pregnant body (with this pregnancy at least). Today is the last day we'll know of silent mornings and peaceful evenings (for a while at least). 

After our visit with the doctor this morning, the decision has been made for us to induce tonight, meaning I will more than likely deliver tomorrow morning (or mid-day depending on how long it takes). So tomorrow is the day we get to meet our son. Tomorrow is the day I will be a mom. Tomorrow is the day Nathan will be a dad. Tomorrow is the day we will be parents. Tomorrow is the day that will change the course of the rest of our lives. Not only is tomorrow our 3-year anniversary, it will also be the day our first child is born. And while I am a little bit sad that he will have to share the day and we will have to share the day, I am more excited than words could express about being a mom, meeting my son, being a parent, and knowing all the pain and joy that comes with it all. 

It's kind of odd knowing that you're going to be forced into labor and that you have a finite number of hours with which to spend your time. What should I do? What should I eat? What should I enjoy for the "last time"? What do I need to take note of that I haven't been so aware of up until today? I know there are things I would do, but in reality, the first thing that came to mind was 1) spend time with Nathan, and 2) go to the pool! :) I can't do the latter since it's on the verge of rain here and they close the pool for 30 minutes on either side of lightning, but I can spend time with Nathan, or at least as much as his workday allows. One thing it has made me think about is what Jesus felt as he counted the hours to his impending death. I simply can't imagine knowing when you're going to's bad enough knowing when I'm going to go into labor, which is nothing compared to that. I guess in both senses, though, there is LIFE on the other side of this hardship and pain. What I will endure in a few hours will be nothing compared to what He did for me (and for this little guy who hasn't even come into the world yet). It's all just a bit overwhelming to be honest. Good, but overwhelming. 

So we'll keep you posted. More than likely the next time I write on here I'll be at home with my little one...figuring out how to be a mom. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers. 

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Relaxing 4th

Well, after an anxiety inducing weekend last weekend, we were looking forward to either 1) having a baby during the Fourth of July weekend or 2) taking it so easy we almost forgot we were having a baby. With our bags packed and ready, we did everything we thought we might not have such an easy time doing once our little man arrived...and took advantage of our weekend together. 

After a few doctor visits last week and everything looking at least "okay" to send me into the long weekend without an induction, we took it as a sign to just enjoy the moment. Poor Nathan has had a kick-up in his work schedule, so things were really crazy for him during the week, and kind of made us both nervous if BT decided to come during the week or weekend, but here we are on Sunday and nothing yet. Thursday night we just relaxed and went out to eat a J. Alexander's, then headed home to watch a movie. We ended up watching the Olympic Trials since a friend of mine from college, Josh McAdams, was running in the 3000m steeplechase.  It was really incredible to see how much of a machine he has become since I knew him in college, but I am so impressed with his skill level and how he's excelled over the past few years to become one of the better-known athletes in his field. Really amazing. 

Friday we just hung out most of the day and took it easy. After our morning walk/run, we went to Panera for a little breakfast, then Target for a few last minute items, and then to the pool for most of the sunny afternoon. We grilled out some organic steak and chicken kabobs for dinner - AMAZING - and then just relaxed from the long day...

Saturday was much of the same, as was Sunday, only not as much pool due to the cloudy afternoons and other errands that took up some of the day. We did go to a movie on Saturday night, which was so fun...since we've had NETFLIX for some time now, we don't go out to the movies as often, but we love movies, so it was fun to go. Iron Man was the flick, not by choice, but we are so glad that was what we ended up seeing. It was so much better in the theatre than it would have been at the house and Robert Downey Jr. did an incredible job. If you haven't seen it, which I'm sure you all have, do it now while it's still in the theatre. 

That's about it...all that and no baby. Though I will say I spent a lot of this week being very impatient and wondering all too many things. I am so hyper analytical that it's sick and my mind was just going crazy. I didn't sleep a whole lot this week, and I figure if I am not sleeping, I might as well have an excuse (other than a fat belly) to do so...meaning, "this guy should hurry up and get here!" :)  Had we not spent all weekend in the hospital last weekend, I wouldn't have been so anxious, curious, or impatient, but all the while we were enjoying our relaxing weekend (one we knew would be our last as a single couple), my mind was wandering, filled with excitement, anxiety, fear, and anticipation...along with who knows what other emotions. So, as we head into this week, the week that is sure to be our last before BT, I'm doing what I can to just relax...and focus on the joy that God is about to bestow on us rather than the pain my body is about to incur!  Wish us luck.