Tuesday, March 18, 2008

What disturbs me?

Along the same lines of my blog entry from a few weeks ago, I was recently asked to think about what it is that truly disturbs me - in my life, in this world, in something that surrounds me, whatever. So again, I find myself in a quandary because I truly don't know what it is that disturbs me. Not to the point of just, "Oh, that's really terrible," but to the point that I am passionate in talking about the reality of "it." I think these two things are related - what I'm hungry for and what disturbs me. Though they might not be one in the same thing, I have a feeling they connect in a polar opposite and interrelated sort of way - where one eventually gets me back to the other. How? I'm not quite sure. But it's just one of those things. 

So, what disturbs you? Some of you might say the AIDS epidemic, for some it might be world hunger, for others it might be child abuse/molestation, it could be the way politics have come to exist in our country, or the state of the church. Whatever it is, there's usually something in each of us that truly disturbs us to the point of an aching feeling in our soul. Anyway, I didn't feel anything the first time I thought about it and just thought maybe I needed some time. For the past few days I've spent really trying to seek out what it is that disturbs me in what surrounds my life. And how frustrating it is to not really know of anything that disturbs me to the point of effortless passion, overwhelming conviction, and the desire to do something about it.  

The only thing I could come up with is our judicial system. I know, it kind of seems odd. I know this isn't the only thing, but it's just something that seems to be prevalent in our lives lately.  For those of you who know what's been going on in our lives, you might understand my vehement hatred for the political environment and the lack of real justice in our system. It's been quite an eye-opening ride to see that we, as Americans, truly are  guilty until proven innocent and that no matter what "evidence" there is, the media and their other lovers have more power over you than even the strongest of cases. I think I could passionately rant and rave about this topic for a good hour, at least, leading me to believe it is something that disturbs me. But does it disturb me only because I have been impacted by it? Or would I have been as disturbed if I'd heard someone else's story like mine? I think I would venture to guess the former is true as opposed to the latter. So maybe I'm only disturbed because it involves me and in the end that just seems selfish. The other part of this is knowing that I'm not really all that hungry for "justice" in our system (at least to the point of spending my life's work fighting it) mostly because I know it won't really change. Hence, another reason this is probably not the one true thing I am disturbed about.

I guess that leaves me left to ponder it some more. Maybe when I figure out the answer to this question, I'll have some more insight on what I'm hungry for. Until then, my patience will continue to be tested as I spend this time in waiting for what's in store. 


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