Wednesday, July 23, 2008

i'll say that today marked the point in this process that i actually felt it. what "it" is i can't really say exactly, other than completely overwhelmed and out of nowhere feeling as though i really can't do this parenting thing. i know that isn't true (deep down), but the thought struck me today in a fashion i wasn't expecting. a part of me kind of melted down. it's scary, seeing this part of me that feels so out of control and helpless. not that i'm upset or sad or anything negative, i just all of a sudden felt as though i was losing myself. i mean, what is it that i do in a day? i couldn't even begin to tell you. and if i did know what it is that i do, it really all boils down to nothing except caring for aiden. and while i know this phase is temporary and fleeting (see previous blog), it hit me today like a ton of bricks...this feeling like i'm not really a person anymore. 

it's just a bit overwhelming for a type-A, perfectionist, control freak who is used to being able to manage just about everything (and everyone). reality is that those things are not reality anymore - not that they ever were, just that the amount of time in my life let me think it was. so i have to try and see beyond this phase and realize that 1) i am still me, 2) what i am doing is probably one of the most important jobs anyone could ever be tasked to do, 3) i have been given this incredible gift in a healthy, beautiful, and happy son, 4) there is more to life than feeling like i'm in control, and 5) this, too, shall pass.

i think (as silly as this may sound) that once i'm allowed to work out again (even walk for goodness sakes!) i'll feel a lot better. i'll have the opportunity to exercise my body and get both my body and mind out of the house and out of the circle of analyzing everything in my head that i often use to trap myself.  

while i knew it would be a lot to take in, a lot to do, and i'd be feeling a lot, there's no way to plan or prepare yourself for how it will manifest inside your head or your heart. i'm completely immersed today, so overwhelmed i can hardly think straight, but at the end of it, tomorrow is a new day, and what seems impossible, will become possible. what seems out of control, will once again seem to find balance. i anticipate that lightbulb moment when that clicks for me!

1 Comment:

  1. the baileys said...
    kara, thank you for your transparent thoughts!

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