Thursday, October 9, 2008

Back to work!

This week I started back to work. If ANY of you have seen or heard or read about the news, you know that I picked a mighty fine week to return. First, it was this, then it was this, then this! So going back to work went from a really fun and exciting thing to not knowing if I'd have a job on day two of my return, to not knowing what the heck is going on. And for those that know what I do, you know I work in merger, so this now means going back to work will be insanely busy. As if going back after a 12-week hiatus didn't bring enough craziness to my life, now we have a huge project on our hands. Needless to say, it should be interesting. No doubt if you don't get your info from the news, you'll hear at least a smidgen from me...I can only say so much you know!

After starting back to work on Wednesday and pushing through a short, but insane, week back, we had company in town for the weekend for the Auburn vs. Vanderbilt game, which made a busy week back even busier prepping for them to come and then getting my act together before another full week back.

It's a new thing for me, being back to work. And it's brought all kinds of things to the surface that I didn't fully anticipate. The first day I went back, I balled my eyes out that night. I was so sad I had left Aiden all day long and only saw him for his bath and bedtime. I felt so terrible as a mother to have done this to my little boy. I felt so empty from being away from him all day when I've spent every minute with him for the past 3 months. Needless to say, it was much harder on me emotionally than I ever anticipated it being, and the drama at work only made it worse. The days that followed were a bit better, but man, do I miss that boy. I sit and look at his little picture on my desk and tear up just thinking about it, realizing I have so much wrapped up in him that I can hardly describe it all. I can't.

It did make me so aware of my situation, and of my need to really ask what I want out of this whole thing - motherhood, work, wife, life. The answer at the end of the day is freedom. While I can't have that now, it is the goal, and if working during these years will get me to that place in just a few, I'm so willing to do it. I really enjoy what I do. I love it. I love my boss, I love my work, I enjoy the people I work with, I enjoy being challenged, and being good at what I do, I love learning...I really do get a lot out of it. It doesn't mean I love being a mom any less, but it does make me realize the value of both and the impact they have not only on me but on my family. It has caused me to evaluate and take stock in MY needs, emotions, feelings, and dreams, and to do what I can to live out of those....pursuing God's heart for me as I head into this new path of my life. All in all, it's been a challenging week, but a super week at the same time. If my mom hadn't been here I think I would have gone clinicallly insane and ended up in some sort of facility this weekend instead of hanging out with friends, but we all made it.


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