Thursday, January 3, 2008


So we're only a few days (three to be exact) into the new year and I'm already seeing continued areas I need to grow in - especially before I take the plunge into mommy-hood. A woman's weight - it's one of those things we just don't talk about, right? Well, that would be true if you were anyone other than my husband. God love him because sometimes I could shoot him. Last night we got into this completely pointless conversation about how I should be viewing myself and what I do now that inhibits me from viewing myself correctly and in theory this sounds so grow-worthy, but in reality, it just wasn't. Anytime someone I love harps on something and comes "at me" rather than comes "to me," it all ends up in a ball of tangled mess. So that's what happened. It was a mess. Nathan trying to be logical with absolutely no emotion or feeling behind it and me trying to be logical, which is impossible when you are a ball of emotions, add to it the amount of pregnancy hormones pumping through me and there's NO rationale other than crazy! Like I said, a mess.

But after a nice long sleep, I think both of us were able to see more clearly what the issues were with our lack of ability to communicate with one another effectively. We communicate rather well with one another - I would even venture to say better than most couples do - except when it comes to sensitive issues or issues that have roots of pain or hurt, bad memories, etc. behind them. When this is the case, whatever happened last night, happens. I wish it didn't and that's what I'm really getting at. I'm growing, trying to change that, and learning to realize that no matter what it "feels" like, he's not ever coming "at me" by intention, but trying to come "to me" even if it doesn't seem so to the emotional girl behind the brown eyes. And there it is...point of growth #1 for 2008 - "Learning to hear what people are saying and understanding it for their true intention (love) without becoming defensive and irrational." In Titus, Paul challenges us to say, "No" to our own selfish desires, to worldliness, to losing our self-control and becoming overcome by it, but instead to trade that in and live self-controlled and to live in hope...for we have so much to hope for! This hope is what we all should remember when the moment of losing our self-control is upon us...well, me.

The second underlying growth point of this particular lesson is for me to continuing to relenquish the stronghold that is my weight. This one is so easily found in women it's hard to tell when it's there and when you're free, but I would venture to guess we are never really free. I'm sure there will be more to come on that, but for now, let's just stick with the one.


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