Friday, February 5, 2010

I realize I already have a posting with this I added MORE...meaning there are LOTS more changes upon us even without the addition of BGT. Not sure how her arrival is going to impact this house, but know maybe there will be a Ch Ch Ch Changes volume three by the time she arrives!

That being said, February has found us in the midst of lots of change. We closed out January with two solid weeks of having Nate at home not working and that meant LOTS of family time and soaking up of the little bits of heaven we get in being able to be home together. He did spend his last week painting the nursery, guest bedroom and bathroom, and Aiden/BGT's bathroom. It was a big job, but we are both glad it is done. Pictures to come.

To top the week off, we got snowed in the last weekend of January with about 6 inches of dumped on snow that hit Nashville. It was quite a bit of snow for this area and something you don't see all too often. It was COLD, too! Even too cold for Aiden to be outside longer than a few minutes at a time, which says a lot. For those of you who know him, you know he is not faint of heart when it comes to cold or hot weather, so for him to NOT want to be outside, this said a lot. Regardless, we still had to say good-bye to dear old dad on Sunday afternoon as a cab driver made the trek to take him from here to the airport so we didn't have to be out in the mess.

And that was the beginning of the end.

The end, that is, of our three year stint of Nate working at home. While he have seasons of insanely long hours (like 2 am) and sometimes quite a bit of travel, we have really all three been at home together since Aiden joined us, and Nate and I before his arrival. So Aiden and I sent him off to DC amidst a flurry of tears being shed from both of us, and luckily the little dude didn't realize what I knew - just how much the days to follow would continue to bring change, and with it, more tears. Don't get me wrong, this is a GREAT opportunity for Nate, working for Deloitte,  doing what he had been with his previous employer. With the economy the way it is, the fact that a job found him, and such a great one at that, says enough about the calibur of guy I am blessed to be married to. But, the reality of leaving every day and being gone for 8 - 12 hours is not so much appealing, when on most days, I know I could walk about 17 stairs and see his face. Boo.

Anyway, his training went great, and he returned to us on Tuesday night, just in time to see the deluge of rain that has been pummeling us since the snow left. Fun! But the next day brought with it the reality that he was indeed going to be leaving us every day. Every day. Every day. Ugh. I just don't know if I can do it. Luckily, this first week of February brought with it it's own share of projects for me, so during the day, I was so busy I didn't really allow myself to think about his absence. But in the few seconds of any downtime, I realized he was gone in a matter of seconds, and was hit with the realization that so much had changed. And in the same token, made me so very grateful for the man that he is.

I don't think many couples, married or not, have the kind of relationship we have, but it is one for which I am so blessed to be involved in. Nathan is truly my best friend and partner. He is an amazing father, and does so much to help me, and to be active in Aiden's world. To see him interact with Aiden as a father every day, and to have him help me in the ways that he does be it in the big or small things is more beneficial than I could probably express in any format. He knows me. He knows when I'm stressed and need a break from work, wife, mother, housekeeper, financeer, chauffeur, and friend. When he was home, he could encourage me, help me, listen to me, give me time that he didn't have, even if it meant five minutes. With him gone, I feel his absence more than I have ever wanted to know it.  It's deafening. His absence has made me realize how very much he does in every day, from Swiffering the floor every morning, to giving Aiden his bath every night, and how very much I will miss having those things done not only for me, but for us...and how very lucky I am.

So this week we have been very sad. I feel a loss I cannot put into words. We are still connected, and we will continue to be, that will never change. But my ability to connect with him face-to-face at any time of the day has gone, and with it, a part of myself that I can't get back. I am sad. I am scared. What will this be like when we have a baby girl who won't get the same kind of time with her dad that Aiden has had and benefitted so very much?  I am sad for Aiden, who LOVES the mess out of his "Dada." I know he is too young to remember this time, but it has been priceless for me to be a part of their relationship from the outside looking in and see the bond and the love that they have in this unique father-son relationship. Aiden is such a Daddy's boy, in a good way, the way you want to see a father and son connect. It makes me sad I won't get to see this during my work days. He is sad, too, and knows my pain. He now drives 45 minutes one way to work and realizes that in total, it's an hour and a half he'd rather be spending at home. We are sad.

This, too, shall pass...or so they say. A part of me doesn't want it to pass. I want to grieve this and feel the weight of it.  I hope it passes one day, I'm just not ready yet. This week was hard. Almost more than I could take. But He never gives us more than we can take. So, I guess it was just enough to make it hard...hard enough to lean right where I should be leaning and nowhere else.


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