Monday, January 11, 2010

Hanging on...

The week started out full of emotions as a good friend of mine from high school, whom I have only been connected with mildly on Facebook since that time, was experiencing her own share of pain that spoke to me and moved me deeply. You can read her full story here, at Jeanna's blog, but in short she was pregnant with twins after years of trying. She was beyond elated and her story makes it evident how deeply she wanted to be a mother. They went for their 20 week ultrasound to see the babies, check on them, and ultimately find out the sex of the babies. Instead of finding out these things, they found two baby boys with no heart beats. They had to deliver them two days later to two terribly devastated parents. Maybe it was my current state of pregnancy, maybe it was that particular day in my life, or maybe it was the rush of hormones that pulsing through me since I am not one, but two girls, at the moment, but something in me broke. I spent that day, and many of the following, broken, desolate, asking "why?", and trying to understand how it all happened for them while also making sure not to let it control the mindset of my own pregnancy going forward. It was not an easy journey, to say it mildly, but as the days passed, my head cleared and I was able to get some peace for them and for myself.

I felt terribly I hadn't been in more frequent contact with Jeanna after high school, mostly since I found myself pregnant and identifying with her loss as I knew that feeling from several years ago. Though not the same, I, too, experienced the loss of a baby and knew how deeply and profoundly it impacted me and my desire to be a mother. I can't fathom the questions she's asking herself, but could only recall what it was I found myself searching for in the days and months that followed that experience. I know there is hope for her, as I have found, and am now able to see in Aiden's face every day...and soon enough my baby girl's face. I pray for a safe and healthy delivery and safe and healthy child, as all parents do, but maybe even more so after feeling the pain through Jeanna's experience. I am anxious to see what God does in their lives and for them as I am sure it will be miraculous and ONLY something He can do.

While I didn't mean for this to be such a bland and emotion-filled post, I found myself in a place of quiet empathy this week and felt not much else. I am not even sure how to express all I felt in the days that followed, but felt the need to share her story, if only as a means to remind myself to pray for her.

The week that followed this experience only brought with it it's own strife in the form of work. The good part was that Nathan was offered a great position at Deloitte (formerly known as Deloitte and Touche), and would be resigning from his current role this week. The bad part was that also meant his time at home with us would be shortly coming to an end. Dealing with this next challenge is probably much worse in my head than it will be in reality, and while I am thrilled he's been given this amazing opportunity, I am also terribly sad to lose the special time we have together at home. I guess a part of me always knew it would not last forever, but I dreaded the day it would come. So, beginning in February, we'll be saying bye bye to Daddy as he drives off to work and we try and man the fort. I guess the part that makes me the saddest is that he won't have the same special time at home with BGT as he has with Aiden. Time which has created a special bond between the two of them that is so neat to observe and even better to be a part of as a partner. Everyone tells me it will be better than I think, but what I think is that life will be CRAZY about a month after he starts work...and I find myself at home alone with two kiddos both clammoring for food and attention and no one to share in the day to day with. It will make me sad, but I also know that getting through it will make me strong.


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