karaspeak

Today was one of those days I won't forget soon. Maybe I'll forget it sooner than I think I will but it was the scariest day I've had in a long time. It all started with a little throw up this morning after his first feeding. But the throwing up continued. Despite a happy demeanor, Aiden was throwing up his breakfast and more (though not scary colored or anything). It just seemed Aiden was not quite himself.  He slept most of the morning...which is very a-typical. And the throwing up continued after repeated efforts to get him to keep food down, ending with an early afternoon attempt that ended abruptly when Aiden stopped breathing for about 5 seconds due to choking on his reflux. Five seconds that felt like five minutes.

Today was my unofficial 6-week checkup...unofficial because it was inadvertently scheduled for 5 weeks after I had Aiden instead of 6 weeks. But, believe me, I'm the last one who's going to draw that to anyone's attention, especially my doctor, who is the one giving me the "okay" or "no way" on my ability to begin activities that have been restricted. So the past five weeks I've done a whole lot of nothing...and am super anxious to get back to doing something, though painful it may be, and though I know I won't be nearly as in shape as I was 9 months ago. That, my friends, is a whole other story. Today we were concerned only with my doctor's answer to the question every woman who's just had a baby wants to know (or at least me), "Can I work out?" Additionally, the question every husband wants to know gets answered in the same doctor's visit...and we all know what that is. 

It's funny how I count my life now. It all seems to fall in terms of weeks now rather than days or even months. Most of the time, if you ask me I don't even know what day it is. I only know what week of Aiden's life it is. How sad is that? It's all kind of in line with all the changes I've talked about earlier, and this is just one more to add to the list. I'm no longer driven by a work schedule or what typically happens on "such and such" a day as much as I am focused on making it through the day...and before I know it another week has passed. He's another week older, I'm another week older. He's doing a little bit more, I'm doing a little bit more (or less depending on what we're talking about). He's growing, and I guess I'm growing too, just not so much in the same way as he is - mine feels so much more about growing in the "life rules" area than in the growth chart area. All in all the weeks bring some really neat things.

But here I sit on August 8. Aiden is one month old today and it seems all I can remember from the past four weeks is how many diapers I've changed (though this is completely bogus because there is no way I can remember all those diapers!), how many hours he's slept, how many hours i've fed him, and finding myself wondering what it is I do with my days these days. Where they go, I'm not really sure, I just know they fly by and before I know it it's 8:00 at night and I look back on the day and can't really even remember how I got to 8:00. How does this happen?

It does really scare me, though, because I know that it's only a matter of time before I'll look back in a year and say, "How did he get to be a year old?," "What did I do with my year?" So these weeks turning into months already scare me. I don't necessarily want him to always be dependent on me...just to stay so small and innocent as he is now. I really enjoy these days blurring into weeks. I hate them, but I love them at the same time because they are so simple and really remind me of what life is supposed to be about. It's amazing for me to look at Aiden and to see parts of myself and parts of Nathan and parts of God all wrapped up in his little teeny body. It reminds me how small we all are and how much I should enjoy every minute, even if I can't remember what happened at the end of my day, or month, or year, or lifetime for that matter. So here's to the weeks that I can't remember and the months that have already passed us by, but especially to this past month, for it is the one that changed my life forever.

So the latest in the series of changes is how much my hormones are seriously going crazy. You read all over the place that the cocktail of emotions and hormones really comes to a head after you give birth, but who really believes that stuff? I guess I believe it now. During pregnancy, I didn't really deal with any rough stuff...no morning sickness, no unusual cravings, no crazy up and down emotions. I really had a phenomenal pregnancy overall...I can't complain, and I don't think I even did much of that until the last week when I was REALLY ready for Aiden to be here. Outside of the occasional fluke day of an emotional high or low, I was pretty even keeled and pregnancy suited me just fine. I loved being pregnant and have never felt a lot of the horrible things a lot of my friends complained about. It was freeing, almost exhilarating to be pregnant and have the freedom to eat what I wanted, when I wanted, to know there was a life growing daily inside me that would one day be outside (a real boy!) and was a part of me, a part of Nathan. It was pretty great.

So now that he's here...all those emotions (I guess the ones I didn't have through pregnancy) all seem to be rushing in at once. I mean, seriously, sheer elation to tears in a matter of seconds. Utter joy to complete desperation and sadness in the next breath. And then it all kind of gets back to the thing of who am I anyway? I mean, outside of Aiden's mom, who am I? Right now that is what it feels like, though I know it will change as time goes on...

Life went from being busy to being even more busy, leaving me to wonder what it was that kept me busy before Aiden. Our schedules are different, our moods are different, our ability to eat out whenever we want is a little more difficult, and our house even feels a little different. None of the different feelings are bad...just different. It's hard to describe, but you can just tell things have changed and only for the better since we now have this little wonder to share it all with...that wonder being Aiden of course.

And speaking of Aiden, the changes from his world (inside my belly) haven't seemed to impact him too much. I mean, he still sleeps a ton of hours during the day and pretty much gets to eat whenever he wants (thanks to the beauty of motherhood). And despite our feelings that it's a little harder to do things, he makes a great case for proving us wrong. Like tonight we went to an art show...a very adult thing for us in having a four week old. But it was a good friend of ours and we promised. So we went, child in tow. He had fallen asleep in his carseat and our plan was to stay about 20 minutes then leave. But after arriving at 6 and taking him inside (we hid him in a closet!), he slept the entire art show...until 10 pm when we arrived back home. It was a miraculous and beautiful thing. Did we find any art? No. Did we successfully enjoy an adult event? Yes. Did Aiden enjoy it as much as we did? Who knows, but he seems to like sleep and sleep he did.

All that to say, though we're experiencing all kinds of changes - hormonal, sleep, travel, schedule, etc. they are welcome and new...and only preparing us for the many years of changes we have yet to come. Should be fun!