karaspeak

...or something like that. I know the song says 3 a.m., and well, it is on the East Coast, so whatever. Somehow, after an insanely busy and full week of headaches, ear infections, lack of sleep, and crazy circumstances, I am exhausted yet cannot sleep. If this happens, I usually have a list going on in my head that needs to be written down or turned over to Him for dealing with and safe keeping; however, this has been done an still sleep eludes me. So here I sit. Knowing full well I will have difficulty functioning tomorrow, yet unable to do anything about it. (Sigh)


Instead of wallowing in my lack of sleep, I thought I might write down some of the things looming over me, some quite personal, others really "surfacey" but regardless the things that are being tossed around at any given moment in this wacky head of mine.


1. My job.
I wonder daily what's going to happen with this. What does this scenario look like? How does it impact me, Nathan, and my growing family? Will I be able to provide for my kids? These things scare me. And while I KNOW God's plan is already laid out and quite perfect for me, I often have a hard time connecting the know to what I BELIEVE. Which is, of course, that He will indeed provide in one way or another - be it a new job, or a better job, or no job and a better one for Nathan. These are times when I have to rely on my past experience and allow Him to show me all the ways He's never let me down before and carried me through when I didn't think there was a way. I can list thousands of times, so why is this one hard? I guess because it's still looming like gloom and doom over my head. I worry about too much and let go of too little. But I am working on it. Daily.



2. My little BT2.
While I realize the time I had on my hands was so very different when I was pregnant with Aiden, I feel badly about the time I'm already not spending with this little one inside me now. I recall feeling Aiden move at 15 weeks quite vividly, and I did feel BT2 at 16 weeks, but haven't been diligent about spending more time doing that lately. I can't feel badly about this, I realize, but I often do, despite the fact I can't control how much or how little this little one moves. I know good and well that come ten weeks from now I'll be up to my ears with kicks and hiccups. Just the now is hard sometimes....worrying if everything is okay in there. Trusting it is, but still worrying it might not be. I worry about how I will handle two under two and how it will impact my relationships - with Aiden, with Nathan, with friends. And honestly, sometimes the fear of what is to come overwhelms me and makes me feel as though I will only fail. I fear I reallly don't have what it takes to do this. Yes, THOUSANDS of other parents have done just what I'm doing - some really terribly, others quite amazingly. Why I can't trust I can do it too at any given point in my day is beyond me, but I just do. Only a few more days until we find out what this little gummy bear is going to be and how whatever it is will change our lives forever. What I have to keep reminding myself is something I read this week that impacted my thought process and stopped me in my tracks of self-pity. THIS IS ONLY A MOMENT, IT IS NOT MY LIFE. Yes, for thousands of moments I will very will be at my Whit's End, but those moments will only be fleeting in comparison to the millions of others that will be filled with joy, laughter, love, community, bonding, and so many other positive pieces that make up LIFE. So, letting this moment pass...


3. My body.
And the fear of never getting it back again. There. I said it. And I'll leave it at that. I think there's enough to be read into this that doesn't need to be stated and that little bit says it all.


4. Organizing my/our life.
Yes, I'm a perfectionist. Yes, I am a semi-neat freak. Yes, I have some OCD behaviors when it comes to organization. I am admitting all this because sometimes the fact that I have to let go of this part of my life is terrifying and horribly difficult. I think how hard it is with one child to keep the house and closets in order, and fear my house will be a war zone with two. This fear, I have to let go. It very well may be a war zone, but I'll be darned if it isn't one bound up in love. Here's hoping I can let this part go sometimes. Not all the time, but when I need to. How are we all going to make it (sanely) inside the house? Will we get our space finished out before the baby comes? I pray the finances allow for this as it will provide the space to "get away" within the same place while also providing a play space and classified war zone if needed. Praying hard for this.


I really like even numbers. I was going to do five things, but I like four. So I'm stopping at four even though there are at least ten I could list. I think I've captured enough, probably far too much for some. There are hundreds of tiny things like ...When will we have time to decorate for Christmas? When will I do my Christmas shopping? What do I even get for everyone? How can I do more to give to others during my week? How's Aiden going to adjust to life with another person in his world? Will I get a four poster bed at some point in my life? Will my knee ever feel good enough to let me run more than five miles again?


These are the things (I guess) that you could say keep me up at night. While they truly don't and I let them go, they do often pop up at random times and if I were a panic-attack driven person, I might just be insane by now. So thank the Lord for that. Now, I thank Him for taking these things (each and every one despite how big and significant or small and meaningless) from me and running them for me. Goodness knows I can't do it. I just have to believe that, right? :)


So here's hoping I'm off on my way to dream land...missing my best friend, anticipating his arrival in a few days, and dreaming I was in this place...right now.