karaspeak

So for the first time (honestly!) since I've been pregnant, I caught the anxiety bug. I have read about it in various books I've read and heard about it from friends and neighbors who have experienced it with their current or previous pregnancy, but I hadn't quite figured out what this whole anxiety thing was like. Surprisingly enough, even high-strung, perfectionist, type-A me had been relatively low-key throughout this entire six month period of my life (at least concerning BT). Things have gotten me wound up and I've recognized the hormonal fluctuations at times, but I haven't really struggled with being anxious - about the pregnancy, life, the after-life (of having a baby that is), anything "baby." Be that as it may, I certainly felt it arrive out of the blue on Monday morning.

At first I wasn't really sure what was going on. I was kind of just in this odd place and wasn't really in a mood. Have you ever had one of those days when you're just not in a mood? It's not bad and it's not good, you're not happy, you're not sad, you're not upset, you're just kind of there. Well, regardless, this is the state I found myself on Monday and I wasn't really sure what to do with it. After plugging into work for a few hours, I realized as I looked at the nursery outside my office door, that I was freaking out. NOTHING is done, NOTHING is ready, NOTHING is close to being done OR ready...what kind of parent am I going to be if I don't even have his room painted?!?! Seriously. I began to be quite disturbed by the fact that he will be here in less than 13 weeks (if he blesses us with an on-time presence, and does not inherit the late habits of his father) and I have nothing ready for him.

I have a crib, yes. Is it put together? No.
I have paint samples, yes. Do I have the room painted? No.
I have a high chair, yes. Is he going to need that when he's born? No.
I have jogging stroller, yes. Am I going to be able to use that anytime soon? No.
We have names picked out, yes. Does he have a name? NO!

No. No. No. You get the point I'm trying to make. N-O-T-H-I-N-G is done. In the moment, this equaled: "I am not going to be a good Mom."

I realize this is NOT the case; however, it was a moment of extreme panic for me as the realization felt like the ultimate reality. That he would arrive and I would not have anything prepared for him. The worst part of it was, I wasn't really sure how to communicate any of what was going on in my head...I couldn't get the thoughts from my head to function as words in my mouth, so I didn't really know how to tell Nathan what was going on that day. Not that it was a terrible day, he could just tell I "wasn't joyful Kara" as he lovingly put it when he asked if I was okay. I finally figured out what it was I was dealing with and was able to get it out eventually...to which he was so caring and comforting. Reminding me:

We can paint the room in a weekend
We can put the crib together in a matter of hours
He'll use the high chair and it will be great
You will LOVE the jogging stroller and can even push me if you want to use it
We will pick his name when the time is right, 13 weeks is plenty of time...
(Of course I didn't tell him that 13 weeks will be gone before he knows it and it may not be as much "plenty of time" as he thinks, mostly because he's been the anxious one since day one of my pregnancy and I thought I'd give him some grace in the moment for being such a great husband!)

Anyway, this is becoming much more than I had planned it to be, but I just wanted to get my anxiety attack out in the open...I fear there will be more, I'm almost sure of it, but maybe at least next time I'll know what it is before it eats away at me and steals the joy that it is this new life coming into our worlds in a few weeks. While it is still scary and while I still don't have anything done, I know we'll get it done and it will be in the perfect time, for the perfect baby. I'm so excited about this new arrival, not anxious, excited. Not that being a parent (which I know NOTHING about) isn't scary, believe me, it is...but I also know I have a great support system - Nathan, my parents, some great girls, and a few great moms who have already proven their worth in gold during this process, but who I also know will continue to do that as the days and months pass. Now if we can just pick a name....